there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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