i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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