Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
