remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
