I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
