i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
