my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
