you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
