I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
