i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Success! We fucked roommates!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
