I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
