Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
