oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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