I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
