There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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