So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
