Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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