On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
