"it" just moved
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
