Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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