All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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