Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
