one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
