take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
