can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
