Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
