On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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