I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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