Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
