friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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