I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
