dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
