youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
