Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
