you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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