shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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