I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
