I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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