She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
