On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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