The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
