I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
