i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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