I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
