I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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