Someone shit on the floor
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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