I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
