Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
