An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
