In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
