in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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