Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
