Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
