a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
