where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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