I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
