I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
