I just cut my nipple shaving
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
