redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Drake has all the answers
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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