You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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